Thursday, May 20, 2004

Waiting for Troy to Fall

"Do you know what's waiting beyond that beach? Immortality! Take it! It's yours!" (Brad Pitt as Achilles).

I love self-important, ridiculous movies. I enjoy them because they take themselves so seriously. I guess once you sign up for a movie named TROY, you're asking for cheese piled in heaps, rotting under the mediterranean sun. Perhaps I'm being a little unfair; I did, after all, agree to see Troy because I liked the idea of watching muscle-flexing and sword-wielding for two hours, but the movie would not have been so funny had it not taken itself for more than a male meat-fest.

Oh, and yes throw in some Jack Horner (composer for the dreaded Titanic), and the annoying insistence on the power of love and you’ve got the total vomit-fest called TROY. Let's see. There's Paris (Orlando Bloom), whose girly locks grace a chin that can't decide whether or not he can grow facial hair. Oh, and there's Hector (Eric Bana), fresh from Shrek - oh, I mean The Hulk - whose facial expressions range between the "I'm serious" pop-eyed look and the constipated frowns he makes as evidence of his “good” acting.

And Brad. Go back to Fight Club. Please. True, his biceps have grown to a ludicrously juicy size, but that doesn't mean his acting abilities follow. Oh Brad, poor Brad. Maybe it was the script writers' faults for giving you lines like "Immortality! Take it! It's yours!" It's just as cruel as giving ice-cream the dumbest names (like Rockin'razzmatazzfricken raspberry) and making you say them when you order. But then again, it's not like Brad's standing in front of a Baskin Robbins counter...he's being paid to say these lines. And I see him being paid to say them. man alive...

No comments: